It's A Start

Tonight I started thinking, as I often do, about what I want my life to look like and where I am now and how I am nowhere close to my visions. I think it gets me down and I sit down at the computer to look at all the women out there that appear to have what I want. A real closeness with their children and with the simple world around them. They seem to make the world beautiful around them. Tonight as I was going through this ritual, I realized it was doing me no good and that I had just better get up and act. I went out to the living room and put on music (Nora Jones, I love, love, love her) and started picking up my disastrous house. I kept thinking about what I wanted but the thoughts seem to be more productive. I also decided that if I wanted to accomplish certain things, it might be helpful to document it. Hence the reason I am sitting here. I know my house is a mess and I don't know if I want pictures to remind me of what it looks like now, but maybe I might appreciate them someday when I have made progress and I no longer let things get this bad. I want to be productive and I want to follow through with my dreams, but I know I have to start small, maybe by just documenting my successes and failures I will be able to see progress and really appreciate it. So for the pictures!

Heavy Heart

I sit down today to write this because I don't feel like I'm am living the life that I desire so strongly. I am living a life of my making, but why do I have a hard time making what I want it to be? I can tell my husband and boys are suffering, and I am spiraling into a somber, unsatisfied person. Today is a day where I want to change it all. I want my life filled with simple joys, not days filled with me trying to find satisfaction on the computer and completely ignoring my family. I want to spend my day's teaching my children all about life and enjoying them and the pure love that they show me. I want to look at my husband and smile, and feel such a close bond to him that my soul almost aches. I am a planner to a fault, and when I say fault I mean I plan so much that it is impossible to follow, and then I fail. I need simple goals, ones that can take me a step at a time. Today, my only goal is to kneel and pray daily. If I accomplish more, than I will be happy, but for now, I will start there. I know the only way to becoming who I want to be is to take it to my Savior. He is the only one who can truly lift my burdens. He is the only one that understands the true intimate feelings of my heart. Hopefully I can climb out of this pit of dispare I have dug for myself, and that as I document it I will be able to see the progress I am making, and also uncover those things that lead me down the wrong path so that I can correct it. At least I realize I can still be saved.

Something good about me: I am willing to do anything to help someone else